Rules for Dining Out
Rule number one: If you're traveling, never ever eat in any place called
"Mom's" -- well, unless the only other places in town to dine are named
"Eats" and "Dirty Harry's".
Rule number two: If you've entered a restaurant in the "Little Italy"
section of the town, and you've noticed all the waiters are wearing
shoulder hostlers, you'd better just leave.
Rule number three: If you're waiting in line to be seated at a nice
restaurant, you can always figure a wait of two hours or a twenty --
whichever comes first.
Rule number four: If you're given a choice of tables by the maitre d'hotel,
my suggestion is that you always request one near a waiter.
Rule number five: If you notice that the tablecloth and the napkins are
made of a better material than any suit you own, you'd better hope your
credit card is not maxed-out.
Rule number six: If you're in a fancy restaurant and you find you cannot
pronounce some dish on the menu, chances are you probably can't afford it
either.
Rule number seven: If you've been served bread and rolls while awaiting
your meal, and you find the place is using a cheap substitute for
margarine, you'd probably better just leave.
Rule number eight: If you notice a bottle of Maalox along with a variety of
other antacids among the condiments on the table, you'd probably better not
order anything spicy.
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